Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
