I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
