the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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