Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
