my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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