I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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