Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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