spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
