Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
