to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
