I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
