ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize