On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Your mouth is God's brothel.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
