So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
