I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
