Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
