I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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