i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
