Her vagina should come with caution tape.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
