It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize