Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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