you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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