True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
