My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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