it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dignity is for republicans.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
