He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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