The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize