cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
