u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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