The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
