so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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