He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
