I'm so fucking centered right now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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