Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
