her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
