I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
