capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
