Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The struggles of a small town man whore
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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