Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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