you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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