This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
