saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
