I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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