Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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