I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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