I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Operation Purity has been aborted
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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