making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
