I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
