Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
