FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
