I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
