If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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