Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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