Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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