Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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