so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
