i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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