mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
