At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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