So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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