Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
