well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
