i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
