I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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